Writing and a flashback

The new year's going great! New office, new projects and even a partial erection! Well ..... better than where I was. Is everyone aware of Pandora. I know. My "discovery" of things is often after everyone else has moved on to something even better. But this is a pretty cool website where I get to listen to music I like streamed in to my computer so I can listen in the office. (Another good thing for me this year!)

One thing I've learned to do is not try to force out a disgusting fart. Seems that the prostate must help that superhighway disperse the forces into the right areas. After many failed tries, I can tell you that a small urine patch is very visible in worn out jeans - and not very impressive. Oh yeah, and if you're hanging with five (now almost six) year olds, they call you on it very loudly wherever you are...Sorry about that Shoprite lady....

Interesting getting back in the gym at work. I mention work specifically because if I work out at the gym near home, I wait until I go home to shower. At work at 7:00 when I shower, there are a few other guys around and the look a six inch bright red scar going from my navel to my penis is a little unique. People get a little flustered when I notice and then just explain I had my prostate out to eliminate the cancer I had the joy of confronting a few month ago. There is another reason not to be looking at other guys in the shower....

Not much else going on. I volunteered to help other folks with cancer reach the catharsis of expressing themselves through a pretty cool program at MSKCC. The program's called Visible Ink, and encourages folks to use writing as a way of sorting through a pretty difficult situation. I've been doing that for years! Shit, when I was 16 I remember sitting at a dark black formica-covered bar in my parents' basement with mice running around in the ceiling and Fleetwood Mac on the turntable in the humungo Capehart home entertainment center and filling half my black marble notebook with a single expletive aimed squarely at my parents.

I wrote, because venting my frustration aloud, would have meant a quick trip to either the hospital or dentist cause my father would have beaten my lily white ass. He never was much one for self-control. The wood-filler in the middle of my sister's bedroom door, from when he chased her the 15 feet from the kitchen to her room and meeting the door my sister had wisely closed and locked, put his fist through the door. I don't remember what he told guests when they inquired as to the origin of the hole. But we knew. Lucky it was the door and not one of us...

But I digress..

For me, those notebooks I filled were like having a free analyst. Eventually, thoughts became less monosylabic and my writing improved. I guess since I eventually secured a job as a technical writer and won a few awards even before I had an undergraduate degree. A job which, by the way, helped me gain school credit for accomplishments and saved me three classes - about a semester when you are also working full time.

I hope that helping others to express themselves gives them some of the same perspective it gave me then and still provides...

Holiday Blessings?

What a great holiday season!  Managed to survive.  

Helen appeared in her first big Holiday show playing clarinet in the band and singing in in the choir.  She even had a speaking part in the choir's presentation of some of the hits from Fiddler on the Roof! Grandma and Grandpa turned out for the morning show and me and the boys were there in the evening. Cathy of course was there for both shows.  What a great mom.

The kids got everything they could have wished for and there wasn't one syllable of "what about ...."Great seeing their smiles and excitement as each package was ripped open and attentively disected - sometimes a few hours after opening.

Had a great holiday party with friends and neighbors around, ad there wasn't one intramarital disagreement!  Cathy loves Christmas.  Personally, I like New Years and we had a great mini-party for all the kids as the ball dropped around 9:00 at the Stevenson house.  (Can't let 5 year olds stay up 'til midnight and expect to have a decent New Year's day.)

Having the week between Christmas and New Year's off is a great benefit.  Loved hanging out with Michael (who now insists on being called "Mike"), Jack and Helen.  Took a trip out to a small mountain in the Poconos to introduce the boys to skiing.  The five of us and the Griffie clan met out at Alpine Mountain.  It was empty!  After lessons in the morning, everyone had a blast for the rest of the day.  It was Cathy's first time on skis in just about a decade, and the old moves seemed to come back pretty quickly.  Helen returned to her form of last year in minutes and (as usual) met a friend in the first few minutes on site.  Helen and Lauren skied the beginner slope most of the day on their own while Cathy and I led Mike and Jack down the slope.

Amazing how fast kids catch on.  From having never been on skis before, to barreling down the mountain on their own within three hours. Could not help but laugh as Mike and Jack took turns racing down the hill, struggling to stop and landing either face first or spread eagle at the bottom of the hill.  By the end of the day, Jack and Helen were getting on the lift on their own and even staying on for the entire ride.  Looks like skiing is an option for future vacations as everyone loved the speed and excitement.  Me, I love the peace of the mountain crest and the solitude of cruising down the hill.  The friendship and imbibing at the close of the day doesn't hurt either.

No prostate-related issues, just no progress either.  Becoming more open, even with people who are uncomfortable and would rather just hear how great things are.  While I appreciate not dieing of cancer at 47, it is more than a little difficult to not have an erection for over three months.  A good friend helped me understand that it is okay to admit to myself and others that the side effects suck!  Unfortunately, some like my mother-in-law don't understand and are perplexed when I say so.  I guess at +70 just being alive is a great thing.  At 47, for someone like me, no hard on is a BIG drop in quality of life.

I'm seeing a rehabilitation specialist and it looks like injections might be the next step.  But the literature I am reading says not to expect anything for 12-24 months post-surgery.  Kinda takes the fun outa fooling around and leaves me feeling like less of a man fr a few hours after I realize nothing is happening.  Just writing this I can feel tears starting to build.

Well, that's it for now.  Hoping 2009 treats everyone well.