Wow! Fourth of July 2009 and I am closing in on the end of my first year of recovery and what a year it has been.
After so many fears and hopes, I seem to have stabilized at a slowly improving level of recovery. There have been moments when I actually forget about my disease. But most of the time it's like I am carrying around the corpse of the person I was before my diagnosis of prostate cancer. The desire put on the brave face and answer all questions as positive as possible comes and goes. There are times when people ask how I am when I have to spew the truth about the devastation of a compromised hard on.
The challenges, both emotional and physical, of taking Viagra every day and not fully recovering have left their scars. The tension with my wife that rears it's head every two to three months. The daily confrontation with trying to engineer an erection when I'm running crazy...... and planning on taking the pill two hours after eating........ and not eating for another hour after taking the pill.....and trying to plan sex at a specific time when exhausted after chasing three kids on the weekend or busting my ass trying to get my completely screwed diabetes patient marketing program fixed....all leave me drained and wishing I could just forget about sex. But then my wife must pay too which would probably leave me paying with still another loss...the loss of my marriage.
There are times when I don't know if survival is such a great thing. There are times when I wish I never knew about prostate cancer, and learned when it was to late to do anything. There are times when I want to just stop trying...
But there have been some benefits. I've communicated with several others who are going through the same thing and believe that maybe I helped them just a little. I've heard stories of so many others who are much worse off than me. My insurance and the additional support of a company which helped me navigate the labyrinth that is the medical/insurance relationship have spared me from the financial devastation treatment of this disease can layer on top of the physical and emotional challenges. I have enjoyed being part of my children's lives and seen so much growth and so many accomplishments in the last year. My sons graduating from kindergarten and playing baseball against older kids and holding their own, my daughter who truly began to blossom in her tenth year taking reading so many series of books, embracing performing and gaining the confidence which I think is so critical in ensuring that she be strong enough to choose her own path.
Over the next few years I want to figure out how I can begin to initiate the kind of programs that SusanG. Komen to aid those with breast cancer. To grow awareness of the importance and simplicity of testing, to not only provide funding of research, but for those needing treatment ad unable to afford it. To help men and their families openly discuss a disease which not only has the potential to shred a life but an entire family.
If there is anyone with a suggestion on how to begin this process. I am all ears.
